Yeah, I thought about jumping, a couple times actually, in fact one time I almost did. Sometimes I just like to sit out there on my car in the parking lot and I just look, I just look up at the building. I get tired of life sometimes, well, I mean, we must be tired of something.
There’s this thought that I have fairly often, it’s one of those that lasts for maybe a year, it goes away, then any small, unfortunate event could trigger the thought once more. This thought shouldn’t be that difficult for me to overcome, only strangely it is.
When I was nineteen, a friend of mine read me a passage from a magazine, I was listening off and on, selectively choosing what to hear. But this quote struck me and implanted itself into my brain for several years to come. “Shape chaos into something you can carry around, something that makes sense.”
It made me realize. I don’t make sense.
I grew up in a small town in Texas, nothing too special. I had a fairly normal upbringing - a few bumps in the road - boy troubles mostly, y’know - but once I reached high school I didn’t think they’d have any long term effect on my life. After high school I thought I was sure I’d finally gotten past all of my problems. I thought my life was all sorted out, and that year, my life was just the way I wanted it to be: simple and relaxing and most of all I was officially on my own. I was living on campus in a small two-bed apartment with my girlfriend and my a friend of ours. We split the rent three ways, we each had a job, at least we all did when we first moved in.
After two months our roommate decided she needed to rebel against society and disappeared on everyone for six months. Her story was that she hitchhiked her way to Canada, but we later found out that she’d been robbed and was stuck forging passports and green cards in South America. Once she was safely home we waited a bit before we let her out on her own.
My girlfriend was working as a bartender downtown - only on weeknights, the weekends were her and I to enjoy together - she’d already had her “rebellious” phase. She’d had it early on in high school, before I met her. She’d ran away a few times, tagged walls, and corrupted just about everyone in her way - I think her power and carelessness is what attracted me to her so much. Her ways were a mystery to me. I wanted and only wished that I - always the calm one - could be more like her. Instead of being her, I made her mine.
If I can’t be this mystery girl the I would love her. And I did. You could call her my high school sweetheart, I guess.
And then there’s me again. I work as a waitress in a small café in town. I guess I would say that I haven’t rebelled too much - not more than the average teen, at least, nothing harsh. I guess I was always a little afraid.
Afraid. Afraid of what? Maybe I wanted to be the perfect daughter, the one I knew that I never would’ve been capable of being, but I’d try any way. Maybe self-conscious. Maybe something had happened? Did I block out those memories - what happened to me?
This is when my mind began changing. I was becoming a different person. I didn’t know this, at the time. I was oblivious.
Then the quote came back into my life. “Shape chaos into…something that makes sense.” What kind of chaos makes sense? How is that possible. This simple question took over my mind for a few weeks. Then I realized that I was not going to answer my own question. It’s an unanswerable question. There is no right or wrong answer. But what if my answer turns out to be wrong anyway?
I was in this phase where I was taking everything literally. Stupidly. Why?
March 13th
Dear Journal,
I don’t know who I am anymore. Who am I?
March 14th
Dear Journal,
She always seems to be in my way. Can’t I get some privacy? She’s always up in my business, asking what I’m doing…nothing new, but it seems to be more so than usual. Ugh. Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep? I’ll sleep this one off and write back in the morning.
March 15th - 4:32AM
Get me out of this place.
Well, then one day I woke up to the sound of the front door being closed - gently, softly, as to not wake anyone, it was a sneaky kind of shutting. I rolled over to find my tattered, bunny-slippers on the floor, but something stopped me from rolling all the way. An envelope. With my name on the front. It was her handwriting.
…I felt my heart jump, but not in a good way. I felt my heart fall. I was shocked by this letter. Afraid to open it, I did any way.
Inside was this:
Dear El,
First off I want you to know I love you. You’ve had my heart for the past three years, but your wild ups and wicked downs have just pushed me away. I don’t know what happened to you to make all this occur, but I have been worrying nonstop for too long, that it’s starting to affect how I go through my day. I seem to be always wondering if it’s going to be a day where I have to step on eggshells to be around you, knowing that there is always the possibility that you may explode in my face… I pray for the good days, and you know I’m no person for praying.
I have sacrificed a lot for you in these past three years, and it hasn’t been easy. Do you remember back when we would spend our time together after school just you and me? Back before we actually started dating, we sat on the steps behind the night club down the street and smoke our cigarettes and sit in each other’s arms. But that was long ago, I doubt you can even remember that now, ever since your chaotic overload. I hope you remember…or way back when, the night you stayed at my house for the first time, and us being us decided to do something stupid, and pierce your lip. And after you had to take it out…do you remember what I had said? And the reaction you had had, you cried… To this day I still apologize for saying that.
Let me get down to the point of why I am writing you this letter, when I see you we barely speak, it’s like I’m talking to you but your mind is completely elsewhere. Are you through with me? You told me you’d love me forever…I guess I was wrong. El, I have decided to leave, it’s not something I want to do, but something I have to do not only for my sake but for your sanity to once again stabilize. I told you I’d be there with you through Hell and back, but now I’m sure we’ve passed Hell and gotten into something worse. Something like pure chaos. And I’m frightened of you. The Ella I fell in love with is missing somewhere in the creature you’ve become.
Good-bye my love, I have always loved you, and will continue to do so. Like I promised. I pray that you can work yourself out, and… maybe I can even ask for your hand, but until you change I can no be around you. Please don’t try to contact me, I can’t bare to hear from you. I hope you get yourself together, because you’re the only person my heart belongs to.
Note to family members:
Yesterday, Wednesday, March 16 at 3:15AM, Miss Ella James committed her own brutal suicide by jumping off of a twenty-seven-story building. She was often seen in the parking lot across the street, close friends say that she’d talk about the incredible view that roof must have. Ella finally got to see the view she’d always dreamed of…
May she rest in peace, the peace that she never had.
“She never told a lie,
Well, might’ve told a lie,
But never lived one.”
“It’s time now, My time now!
Give me my, Give me my wings!”
Ella James - April 3 1981 - March 16 2003
